“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.