Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
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Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.