Art by Pastelkatto
You Might Also Like
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak