I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
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I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]