I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye