Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
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Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.