Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
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The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed