I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
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I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
My neck my back my allergy attack
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Why are bridges so flammable.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over