Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
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Happy Caturday!
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.