Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
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At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I love wikipedia
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.