writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.