You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
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Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
But wait…
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.