Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
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You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom