My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)