Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
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“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat