Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My therapist after every session
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”