The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
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*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target