avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
sugar glider wrangler