Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.