Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun