Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
You Might Also Like
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.