The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
whatcha thinkin bout
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.