Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
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I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Proctology is located in A55
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever