“You’d better run, egg!”
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
it must be school picture day
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?