Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.