My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
You Might Also Like
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war