Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
You Might Also Like
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Still cracks me up
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”