All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
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Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end