As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
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EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged