You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.