If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
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Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”