WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
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6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
The Sun
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird