Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.