They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.