My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
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I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)