Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My dress code is business-casualty.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice