I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Boating season is upon us.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?