– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
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I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.