I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
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[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
“A little help here, Danny?”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”