#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
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It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
they finally got him. they got macavity
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
No laws when master is gone
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Lube but for my dry humor.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.