me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
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CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
repaired
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
finally
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
hi why am I like this
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton