[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
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MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
the saddest jazz hands ever
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Twitter fine art
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED