Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Comparing yourself to others
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I can’t be the only one 😂
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi