My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
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I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here