You Might Also Like
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
This did not end as expected.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.