bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
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It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?