*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope