Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
You Might Also Like
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My kitchen overserved me.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama