mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
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yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Well, this explains it:
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show