Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
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If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
The Weeknd is back
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers